Thursday, May 12, 2016

How to Be a Bad Dog: A Quick Reference Guide

My dogs are bad dogs.  I readily and unashamedly admit this.  They all have positive attributes, but it is safe to say that most would think me crazy for putting up with one of them, let alone all three.

Disclaimer - this post is for fun, and I am not condoning their bad behaviors.  I carefully manage most of them.

1. Resource guard.  If you're like Bruce, you will resource guard EVERYTHING.  From everyone. Food, treats, toys, space. 

2. Bark like a maniac at mealtimes.  Bruce can hear the clanging of stainless steel bowls while outside and 50 yards away.  Run inside, and scream at the top of your lungs until you realize you are going to in fact get fed.

3. Pee on another dog's crate. While another dog is in it.  Eating his dinner.

4. Get snarky at any attempt at grooming. This includes brushing and nail trimming. I take Bruce's warnings seriously.  Faolan is all talk.

5. Bitch bark at boy dogs if they get too rowdy.  I'm looking at you, Neeko.

6. Make seriously mean play faces.

7. Kick up as much grass, dirt, or mulch as you can after peeing or pooping. It doesn't matter if you're a male of female.

8. Follow another dog around the back yard, and pee wherever he does. 

10. Eat inedible things.  Good examples are socks, feminine hygiene products, Styrofoam and drywall.

11. Destroy two chairs and a solid wood coat tree.  Neeko did this as a puppy.  I eventually learned that she was not yet ready to be unsupervised while I was in the shower.

12. Throw a hissy fit while being blow dried at the DIY dog wash.  If you're good enough, an employee will come in thinking that there is animal abuse occurring.

13. Mooch from strangers, and convince them you are wonderful dog whose owner starves him.  Faolan is king at this.

14. Pee in the car.  Bonus points if you poop.

15. Intimidate a professional dog trainer.  Bruce.  More than one trainer. (He somehow graduated from basic obedience.  This was the only trainer who did not say he was unmanageable.)

16. Be told you're not welcome back at a boarding facility. Huge fiasco.

17. Roll in poop. Deer poop, raccoon poop, any kind of poop.

18. Turn your nose at $12/lb organic rabbit meat, but eat goose poop like candy. Bonus points if you end up with giardia and require three rounds of Flagyl.  Even more bonus points if you go on to develop hemorrhagic gastroenteritis.
19. Decide to redecorate with the insides of your $70 orthopedic dog bed.

20. Break a window.  At 9 pm on a Sunday in January. Because you might have seen a possum outside.

21. Learn how to open screen doors.  So you can let yourself out as you please.

22. Lick the cat's butt every chance you get.

23. Make sure your "lipstick" is showing in most pictures.  If you have to ask...

24. Speaking of photos, refuse to ever look directly at the camera unless there is a treat involved.

25. Be a champion at selective deafness.

26. Chew on the seam of the new couch.  The day after it is delivered.  You might get a little slack if you are still a puppy whose owner hasn't yet figured out that you cannot be trusted unsupervised while she is in the shower.

27. Fear pee/submissively urinate.  Bonus points if you do it daily for six months, and occasionally after three years.

28. Be legendary at your vet's office for your attitude, size, and handsomeness.  Bonus points if you have an awesome vet who does not believe in sedating a dog unless absolutely necessary.

29. Speaking of sedation, make acepromazine take seven hours to kick in on you, instead of the expected 1-3 hours.  Bruce HAD to be sedated for an ear swab due to a raging ear infection.  It didn't kick in until after we were long finished.

30. Only be affectionate when your owner is dressed up, wearing black, or not feeling well.  Bonus points if you concentrate 90 lbs of weight into one paw on their tender belly.

There are many other ways to be a bad dog, but I figured 30 was enough for one list.

Anything you would add to this list?


  1. Haha, this is hilarious! I bet they keep you on your toes. ;P

  2. This is THE BEST post yet! I'm sitting on the train heading home and don't care that I'm laughing my ass off. This is funny as hell!

  3. Did Bruce and Brut go to the same school to learn this stuff?? lol

  4. I don't know why I hadn't heard the term "lipstick" before but now I can't stop laughing about it.

    You have no idea how many of these hit home for me, with Laika being guiltiest of many on her own..

  5. Haha awesome article. Took a while to train my dogs too. In case you're interested I also write a blog and am always looking for other writers to exchange guest posts with to swap some fans. Why not have a glance at one of my more recent dog reltaed blog articles here- additional hints and get in touch if you fancy it! Sorry if you don't, thank you


Thanks for the howls!!