"What have you been rolling in?" and Other Things I Never Thought I Would Say

As most can attest, life with a dog is interesting, rarely boring.  Add multiple dogs to the mix, and things get even more interesting, and at times funnier and more entertaining.  Sometimes I shock myself with the words that come out of my mouth.  Some leave me laughing, others leave me exasperated.  At times I am embarrassed and/or ashamed by what I say.

I live in the country.  I have three dogs.  These three dogs are big dogs.  These three dogs happen to be wolfdog/northern breed mixes.  They are also raw fed.  This combination of factors leaves me scratching my head at times.

So here is my list of some of the things I never would have dreamed that I would ever say, but did.

I have been toying with this for a little while, but was inspired to post it by Fidose of Reality and Barking from the Bayou, though I'm not necessarily proud of some of these things.

"I don't want beef heart kisses."  When some dog is trying to give me kisses after a dinner of beef heart.  Other variations substitute green tripe, chicken, or pork loin for beef heart.

"Socks are NOT snacks."  Bruce has a thing for socks. Unloading the dryer and folding laundry can be a daunting task.

"Who just goosed me?"  I have tall dogs.  They like to goose me.

"Are you really humping my leg??"  Said to my female dog.  She is the only one who has ever attempted to hump me.

"5 1/2 year olds know better than to eat a leather bracelet."  Said to Neeko after she ate a new bracelet of mine, obviously.

"I know it seems like they are, but eye boogers are not homemade treats."  Said to Faolan any time I wipe a crust from any dog's eyes.  He loves them.  Weirdo.

"We don't eat soap."

"Chickens are friends, not food.  These chickens, anyway."  In reference to my chickens. 

"I can clearly see you are wasting away to nothing."  When some dog is trying to convince me they are starving to death, and must be fed rightthissecond.

"I know my bodywash smells good, but do you really have to scent roll/rub on my legs?" Faolan loves to scent roll/scent rub on things.  Sometimes these things smell good, other times they smell like poop.  Probably because it is poop.

"Stop being such a bitch/asshole/douchebag!"  You're lying if you say you haven't ever said some variation of this, or at least thought it.

"Are you hungry?"  Mr. Obvious.  Long time listener, first time caller.

"You're just phantom peeing now."  When Bruce or Faolan has exhausted his urine resources on a walk, but still lifts his leg and goes through the motions of peeing, but nothing comes out.

"Get your nose out of my hummus/yogurt/ice cream."

"Faolan, if anyone is going to eat Neeko's puke, it's going to be her."  Neeko occasionally regurgitates her dinner.  Faolan will slink around, waiting for her to abandon it, so he can eat it.  She doesn't want to re-eat it, but she doesn't want him to, either.  Dogs are disgusting.

"Why do you smell like poop?  What were you rolling in?" I really don't want to know...

"I know you have to pee."  Before getting in the car for a longish trip.

"I'm going to make you watch those ASPCA commercials again."  When some dog turns their nose up at whatever meat I have offered them at mealtime.

"Ok, you can have a bite.  But just one."  My dogs are world class mooches/beggars. I'm well aware that I encourage it.

"Put your lipstick away."  If you have to ask...

"Let me get this straight.  I got up at 430 because you are bored???"

"I have to go to work to pay for your food."

"You're lucky I adopted you."  When Bruce does something particularly naughty.

"Stop sassing me!"  Neeko is a champ at backtalk.  Faolan is a close second.

"Noelle is perfectly capable of licking her own butt."  Noelle is one of my cats.

"You are going to get your head peed on.  Too late..."  Neeko likes to sniff where one of the boys has peed. And is sometimes still sniffing when the other boy comes to pee in the exact same spot. 

I really have said all of these, and many more, at some time or another.  This list is for fun, and if you think I don't love or care for my dogs enough, than you obviously don't know me very well.

What things have you said to your dogs that would make others think you have lost your mind?