If My Dog Were a Person, He'd Be In Prison

It's true.

If Bruce were a human, the things he does would put him in prison. And Neeko and Faolan would likely be as well.

Bruce's Rap Sheet

Theft - I can't even begin to list the number of things that he has stolen. From me. From Neeko. From Faolan. Toys. Food. Items of clothing.

Receiving Stolen Property - he and Faolan have collaborated to steal from me in the past. If sweet Faolan is successful, Bruce is more than happy to take the goods.

Public Urination - on the regular. He can't walk anywhere without trying to pee on everything. 

Public Indecency - put your lipstick away, buddy.

Loitering - he likes to hang out and do nothing.

Noise Violations - sometimes he likes to howl at 3:30 in the morning.

Inciting a Riot - I swear he encourages bad behavior from Neeko and Faolan. 

Assault and Battery - On me, though the times are explainable. He pleads the fifth regarding the incidents with poultry. 

Vandalism - he likes to attempt to destroy things that don't belong to him.

Attempted Breaking and Entering - it's a good thing he doesn't have opposable thumbs. Otherwise he'd be in any room or structure he pleases. He does try to turn door knobs with his teeth.

Obscenity - he's got a big mouth, and sure likes to scream sometimes. 

Voyeurism - he's a creeper. 

Resisting Arrest - if he's in trouble, he wants nothing to do with me.

Speeding - watch out when he has the zoomies.

Would your dog be in prison if they were a human? Are they guilty of any of these crimes or others?